Everyone has had that cinematic experience– the wildly inappropriate movie that someone let you watch as a child which forever warped your impressionable little mind, on up to the present day. It doesn’t matter how you got to view this movie (or movies); maybe you and your buddy paid to see The Care Bears Movie and snuck into Child’s Play instead, or perhaps you had a really cool babysitter who didn’t care what you watched as long as it didn’t cut into her slobber time with the boyfriend your parents didn’t say she could have over, or an older sibling who double-dog-dared you that you couldn’t get through A Nightmare on Elm Street without crapping your pants like the baby you were. Like we said, the how isn’t what’s important, so much as the when: when you were just too young to process what was going on onscreen, let alone remain unaffected by it as a simple piece of entertainment.
The entire movie is pretty much a lifelong nightmare waiting to happen, but you know the scene we’re talking about.
How It Ruined Your Life: This is the scene that forever made you hesitate to assist folks who appear to be choking. Who knows how many clogged windpipes could have turned out nonfatal if this film had never been? And if you happen to be female, it may have dictated an eternal childless state due to an overwhelming terror of living creatures bursting out of your body in a gush of blood.
There are so many wrong, wrong things about this movie that there are several scenes that must be cited.
How It Ruined Your Life: You now have a creeping terror of static of any kind, be it on the radio, television or in your dryer. Clowns make you pee yourself. You may have issues with raw meat; after Carol Ann’s dramatic rescue, you are also put off of gelatin. The worst part? This was rated PG.
#3. Heavy Metal
Sometimes, adults who should know better are suckered into the proposition that all animation is geared toward children. “It’s a cartoon– how bad could it be?” they reason, before wandering off to take a massive dump while reading the National Enquirer, leaving you in front of something that might not only make your jaw permanently drop, but may well warp your currently unfinished personality.
Aside from the gratuitous, oversized animated boobies and the emphasis on casual (and consequence-free) sex– there’s even ROBOT SEX!– there’s an assload of gruesome violence, retch-worthy vaporizing of human flesh, more than a smattering of otherworldly bodily fluids shed, and some really shitty, cheap Rotoscoping.
It’s an animation technique, you pervert.
How It Ruined Your Life: For starters, it made you believe adults only think about sex. (Surprise– that IS all they think about! How much of that is due to the influence of sneak viewings of this film remains a mystery.)
Also, if you happen to be female, sword-wielding Badass Hero Chick Taarna sacrifices body armor, which would be a very sensible investment, in favor of an outfit that wouldn’t look out of place on the centerfold model in Kink Quarterly, reinforcing the idea of fashion over practicality that plagues so many women. There are some instances of recreational drug use, which at this point you may have previously been blissfully unaware of, and golly gee, those drug-lovin’ aliens look like they’re having fun!
Additionally, all that blood, whether green or red, just might have left you squeamish about guacamole, pesto, marinara, and/or ketchup, and that bomber sequence may have fostered your early fears of the zombie apocalypse, as well as aggravating any slightly paranoid tendencies you may have had.
The plus side? Your musical taste is now completely bitchin’, and you may or may not want your own pet guinea fowl.
Oh. Em. Gee. The shark’s first attack is the kind of thing that doesn’t need heavy gore or even the sight of the titular shark to horrify an impressionable young mind.
How It Ruined Your Life: This is why you can’t swim and you know it.
#5. The Pirate Movie
Chances are, if you’re a certain age, you watched this on cable numerous times. To refresh your memory if it’s fuzzy, this is that retarded cheesy 80’s-pop update of The Pirates of Penzance in which Kristy MacNichol and Christopher Atkins did all their own singing. This seemed like a no-brainer for your parents to let you watch unsupervised: It was a musical! With cartoon fish!
How It Ruined Your Life: Besides the sheer inappropriateness of kids knowing all the words to a song called “Pumpin’ and Blowin'”, this little gem featured a number of sex jokes that didn’t quite go over our heads at the time. Many of them were very un-PC gay gags in addition to the requisite boner jokes. Everyone in this movie was obsessed with gettin’ it on, which of course seemed like the proper way to conduct a romance, because if it was good enough for Chris and Kristy, damn straight it was good enough for you. It is entirely possible that the introduction of blue Kool-Aid may have been precipitated by this movie’s very sophisticated-looking glasses of unidentifiable blue drinks. And when you asked your mom what a “nympho” was, she grounded you from pay-cable for life.
#6. The Wizard of Oz
Yes, THAT Wizard of Oz. Probably the quintessential kiddie movie for several generations, yet bloated at the seams with unspeakable terrors.
How It Ruined Your Life: You have a deep-rooted fear of windy days and are constantly scanning the horizon for signs of the dreaded cyclone– even if you don’t live in Tornado Alley. Women with high, screechy voices unnerve you, especially if they happen to be holding a cleaning implement. Monkeys are a no-no; you keep wondering when their horrible wings are going to unfurl before they wantonly destroy everything sentient in their path. And don’t even get us started about that giant, flaming, disembodied freaking HEAD.
I can probably think of more than these– these were the first that came to mind.